Dearest Lynchmob visitors,

 I cannot tell you how much good you are doing by visiting this site and keeping it alive. I don't know how many of you know this, but it is run by a girl named Cara- a very.... special girl. Cara likes to come to my shows and "take pictures". She isn't even aware that there's no film in her Fischer Price Kidkam. I think the whirring and clicking noises amuse and distract her. You should see how she smiles!!! Then, after the show, sweet, special Cara likes to "upload" the pictures to this website. Uploading consists of mashing the camera against her Speak and Spell for a good 2 to 3 hours. It would be tragic if it weren't so amusing! Cara has no idea that all the pictures at my shows are taken by an elite, highly trained press corps, who then contribute them to Lynchmob's webmaster for a hefty sum. So you see, my friends, upkeep on this site is expensive, but it's worth any price to make one very very very special girl happy.

Don't let the dream die,
(and see you in the fall!)

Stephen

I  wanted to do "Craig Christ" on Carson Daly and sent in the lyrics for approval. They sent someone into my dressing room a few minutes before showtime to tell me everything was cool, they were looking forward to the performance, they love the song, and by the way, you can't say "fucking Craig", "Jesus", or "Christ" in the song.
Have a good show!
I did "Ugly Baby" that night.
Another time, when I did "She gotta smile" they strongly urged me to change "big fat friend" to "big ol' friend". Hilarious. Also on my Comedy Central special, I changed "Special Ed" to "Special Fred" which most of you are already aware of, but they wanted me to change a lyric in "Lullaby" from "Daddy wants sex that involves Mommy's rear" to "Daddy wants sex that involves Mommy's ear". I don't know about you, but to me, earsex seems to be the more deviant of the two. Believe me. I've tried it. It's why I'm partially deaf. Goodbye.

What?

Goodbye.
- Stephen